“Life’s too short to take time off.”
This was what my spin class instructor said to me after a weekend class. He had just told me instructing spin was how he let off steam at the weekend. During the week, he worked full time in IT.
“Until you get a heart attack from working too hard!” I responded, jokingly. We both laughed - but it got me thinking.
A few years ago, I had overworked myself so hard that I finally crashed and experienced burnout. During my recovery, I felt I didn’t know how to relax. I was so used to working every day that I knew nothing other than ‘the grind’. In my head, every social interaction had become an opportunity to network. I was only really alone when I was working.
I realized then that I had to actively practice relaxing. When I started doing this, I experienced massive improvements in my self-esteem, mental health, and relationships.
These days, I genuinely feel that life is too short to not take time off.
Knowing how to relax is one of the earliest skills you develop – studies show this happens when infants are around 3-4 months old [1]. However, modern lifestyles can mean you lose touch with how to self-soothe in ways that are helpful [2]. This can affect your health and your relationships negatively [3]. To help you get back in touch with your instinct that tells you when and how to relax in helpful ways, keep reading!
The relaxation system
While there are many ways to talk about and study emotions and behaviours, including relaxation, one of the easiest models to understand is the ‘three systems model’. The three systems model suggests you have three main emotional systems – soothe, threat, and drive. In this model, the relaxation or ‘soothe’ system is balanced equally with the ‘threat’ and ‘drive’ systems [4].
The threat system alerts you to danger, activating your ‘fight or flight’ response. The drive system motivates you to look for food, water, and safety. The soothe system helps you to relax and feel safe. These systems work together to help keep us alive, with one becoming dominant over the others depending on what you are experiencing.
Sometimes these systems can become unbalanced. When this happens, it can lead to health and relationship problems. For example, if you spend all your time in your threat and drive systems, you can become stressed (see more about this in our Stress, Burnout and Relationships article) [4].
How relaxation can benefit your relationships
Practicing relaxation can have many benefits for your relationships [5]. It can mean you have more energy for your partner, encourage self-reflection, and help you perform better in your threat and drive systems when needed. You can also become more efficient and creative when it comes to problem solving.
Studies have shown that people who are relaxed can be more enjoyable to be around and more encouraging to others. Think about it - if you spend a lot of time around a stressed person, it can make you stressed and unhappy. This chain-reaction happens because humans are social animals, and are tuned to respond to things that can be perceived as threatening [6]. Equally, if you spend time with someone who is relaxed and happy, it can positively influence your own mood and behaviour [3].
Ideas for practicing relaxation
There are many ways you can practice relaxation to make it more easily accessible and habitual in your daily life. Here are a couple of tips to get started!
Practice being playful.
Playfulness is time spent without purpose; it’s something you genuinely want to engage in, and it brings you joy [7]. Play can reduce stress as you engage in low-pressure, low-risk activity. Everyone finds play in different activities. Find your own play activities to enjoy in your day-to-day life. Whether it’s dancing in your kitchen, engaging in board games, or practicing recreational sports like football, make sure it is specific to you and your interests. Play can involve friendly contests with low stakes. The important thing is that you don’t feel like you are striving to achieve something critical [7]. Look at this list of pleasant activities for inspiration to help you engage in play [8].
Release the pressure.
Playfulness does not have to be a big event. In fact, the more you can inject playfulness into your life, the better your mood will be! You can make any activity playful by bringing a sense of lightheartedness and humor to it [9]. For example, you can make waiting for the bus with your friend playful by telling a funny story about a time you were kept waiting for a date, or engaging them in a game like ‘I Spy’.
Practice somatic exercises.
Somatic exercises are exercises that connect the mind and body. They can also be called body awareness exercises [10]. This practice can reduce stress and increase feelings of wellbeing. It can help you feel more connected to your own thoughts and feelings, helping you be a better partner or friend. There are many kinds of somatic exercises including yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, dance, pilates, Tai Chi – any movement based activity. The main focus of the practice should be the mindfulness of your body and its movement. Think about what kind of movement appeals to you, do some research, and give it a go [10].
What approach should I take to practicing relaxation?
Practicing relaxation is like practicing other skills - it takes practice to get good at, especially if it’s not something you are used to. Be patient with yourself and try different things. Most importantly, don’t be discouraged if something doesn’t work! Everyone finds different things relaxing. What works for you may be different to what you expect it to be [11]. Once you find a few things you enjoy, share one of those things with someone you like spending time with. Relaxation can be enjoyed alone or socially, and spending time with friends can be good for your mental health [7].
Let us know how you get on with these suggestions!
Written by Helen Molloy
References
[1] Crider, C. (2023, 5, 19). 8 Self-Soothing Techniques to Help Your Baby. healthline https://www.healthline.com/health/baby/self-soothing-baby#know-when-to-start
[2] World Health Organisation. (2019, 8, 5). Burn-out an "occupational phenomenon": International Classification of Diseases. https://www.who.int/news/item/28-05-2019-burn-out-an-occupational-phenomenon-international-classification-of-diseases
[3] Barlow, A. Ewing, J. Janssens, A. Blake, S. (2018). Shackleton Relationships Project. The University of Exeter. https://socialsciences.exeter.ac.uk/media/universityofexeter/
collegeofsocialsciencesandinternationalstudies/lawimages/
familyregulationandsociety/shackletonproject/Shackleton_ReportFinal.pdf
[4] National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (2024). Applying the 3 Circles Model of Emotion to Help Clients Heal Shame. https://www.nicabm.com/3circles/
[5] Schoen Clinic Group. (2024). The impact of stress in relationships. https://schoen-clinic.co.uk/post/the-impact-of-stress-in-relationships#:~:text=Over%20time%2C%20stress%20can%20take,
connections%2C%20or%20rebuilding%20rocky%20ones.
[6] Ohwovoriole, T. (2023). How Herd Mentality Explains Our Behavior. VeryWellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-herd-mentality-explains-our-behavior-7487018#:~:text=Herd%20mentality%2C%20also%20known%20as,their%20own%
20judgment%20or%20individuality.
[7] Brene, B. (2012). The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, and Courage. Sounds True, Incorporated.
[8] Linehan, M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd). Guilford Press.
[9] Harris, G. (2021). Everyday Playfulness: a new approach to children’s play and adult responses to it. International Journal of Play, 11, (3). https://doi-org.sheffield.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/21594937.2021.1925858
[10] Meehan, E. Carter, B. (2021). Moving With Pain: What Principles From Somatic
Practices Can Offer to People Living With Chronic Pain. Frontiers in Psychology. 620381, (11). 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.620381.
[11] ScienceDirect. (2022). Deliberate Practice. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/deliberate-practice
